The Other Half

“So this is how the other half lives?” Lizzy said, putting on her sunglasses.

“This is so great. I could get used to this,” I said, sipping the fruity cocktail that Jimmy’s maid made us.

We were laying out by his pool catching some of the late-day sun Saturday. We got here on Thursday, and all we’ve been doing is laying out by the pool, sitting on the beach and drinking. And of course, hanging out with Jimmy and his family.

“If you marry Trent, you could live like this,” she said.

“One – be quiet, Jimmy doesn’t know. Two – I’m not dating him because of who he is,” I said.

“I thought you two weren’t dating,” she said, looking at me over her sunglasses.

“We’re not. I don’t know why I said that.”

“Uh huh. Just let me know when the wedding is.”

I threw an ice cube at her.

“Hey!” she exclaimed.

“That’s what you get.”

***

“Are you having fun out there?” Trent said, later on that night.

“I am. Jimmy is such a great host. I’m glad I was able to get away for a couple days. July is going to be nuts with writing and trying to find locations and stuff for the show.”

“I miss you,” he said.

“I miss you too! I can’t wait to see you tomorrow when I get home!”

“Me too! I miss my Penny time. I’ll pick you guys up from the train station if you want.”

“Oh. That would be so great!”

“And then you will be mine for the rest of the night.”

“Damn right.”

***

“So, how’s the online dating going?” Jimmy asked. Everyone else had went to sleep, but he and I wanted to stay up and catch up. Between the Orlando trip and the series, I felt like all we ever talked about was work.

“Meh. It’s not. I’ve been on a few dates here and there. And talked to a lot of crazies, but I’m just not feeling it,” I said, sipping my beer.

“It’s tough out there. I don’t envy you. No offense.”

“Hey, none taken. I didn’t expect to get thrown back out in the dating pool. Tony and I were discussing marriage for Christ’s sake.”

“But you’re better off now. Instead of down the road.”

“Yea, I am. I know that. It’s just so hard to meet people. Especially now, when all the people I meet are at work.”

“Speaking of, you and Trent Gregory seem pretty chummy.”

“Eh,” I said, feeling my face get red.

“Eh? Really. You just turned beat red. Spill.”

“It’s nothing. I mean, it’s something. I mean, I don’t know what it is.”

“But you seem really happy. So if he’s the reason for that, then that’s good, right?”

“I guess. I mean, yes. It’s….complicated.”

“I get it. I heard he was getting a divorce.”

“Yea. We’re obviously taking things slow. It can’t get messy.”

“Your secret is safe with me. So, hey, how do you like my place?”

“Um. Really? I love it. I could really get used to living like this. Having someone to cook and clean for me, bring me delicious drinks by the pool. I mean, fuck, this is really the life. Thank you. I know I thank you all the time, but truly, thank you for everything. You took a chance on me and I am forever in your debt.”

“You’re very welcome Ms. Redstar,” he said, clinging beers with me.

Fill Me In

“Fill me in, fill me in, fill me in,” said Maria, taking a big sip of her margarita.

I hadn’t seen her in so long, since before Tony and I broke up. I gave her the abridged version because I didn’t feel like living through the pain again. And then I told her about all my sexcapades and online dating blunders.

“Oh my God, he came to the date with IBS!” she said, spitting her drink out.

“Out of all the crazy stories I told you, of course that sticks out!”

“What do you want from me? I’m a mom with two kids. My life is filled with poop,” she said.

“True. So, how’s the news business? Carson told me his 10-year is coming up in September?”

“Yes, and it’s a whole ‘to-do.’ He’s put me in charge of planning the damn thing, but he’s being so picky about when and where. You know, the usual Carson non-sense.”

“Well, count me in. Oh and Shanice. She’s in too.”

“How is she?? I miss her crazy antics!”

“She’s good. Doing her thing for the UN now. Traveling the world and all that good stuff.”

“Good for her! You guys are all so grown up. You with your show! Her traveling. And me, I’m still in news.”

“Oh stop! You love it. You know you do. Plus, it’s so easy with your hours and your kids. I mean, you took my old ones right, the early shift?”

“Yes! And thank you for that! It’s so great getting them in the afternoons. But enough about my boring mommy life. I want more juicy details on this mystery lover. Do I know him?”

“You might. I refuse to reveal his identity. I have to protect the not-so-innocent.”

“Scandalous! Is he fantastic?”

“And more. What’s scary for us is how easy it is. You’d think we were together for years. And Maria, can I tell you? It’s the best ever, like ever,” I said, ordering another drink.

“Ever?”

“Ever. I’m talking like he goes down for hours.”

“Lock that tongue down girl!”

“Tool,” I said, rolling my eyes.

I changed the topic after that. I knew if I kept talking about it, I’d soon have another member on Team Trent. And since he and I were still ignoring the obvious, I didn’t need another person on his side.

***

“I just don’t see what the problem is! We’re just friends! Jesus, calm down!” said Brett, the actor reading for the lead male part in the series. He was eerily just how I pictured him.

“I think he’s the one,” I whispered to the casting director. “Can you read page 18 please?”

He read again and I knew he was it, which would complete the main and secondary characters. I couldn’t believe it. I texted Jimmy after the auditions to let him know, since he was on vacation this week.

“That’s great! Hey, come out to the Hamptons this week! Nancy and I would love to have you! Bring Lizzy!” he wrote back.

“I’m in. Will catch a train tomorrow for the weekend! Thanks!”

I let Lizzy know the news about the series and Jimmy’s invite. She was in too. Before I headed out though, I went to see my favorite new person – Jayden Casey.

“I hate you,” Emily said.

“Wait? What did I do?” I said, holding Jayden and making those stupid baby faces everyone makes.

“Because. You hang out with celebrities. You make out with hot guys. You go to Jimmy Fallon’s Hamptons house. I mean, who does that? And I’m stuck here with this little beast,” she said, gesturing toward Jayden.

“But look at him! He’s not a beast!”

“Now he’s not. Before you got here, he pooped all over himself. It was a shit storm, literally.”

“Nice. But he loves his Aunt Penny, so he wouldn’t do that to me. You should come to Jimmy’s! I’m sure he wouldn’t care. Then Jayden can meet Winnie. They can fall in love and get married and then you can be related to Jimmy and we can all be one big happy family!”

“You are out of your mind.”

“Stranger things have happened.”

“So, how’s the mystery lover?”

“He’s fine. Seeing him tonight before I go to Jimmy’s.”

“Are you guys going to get married?”

“We’re not even dating.”

“You should. He treats you nice.”

“He does. But I don’t want to date anyone seriously. And neither does he, kind of. Well, he doesn’t know what he wants. And that’s fine by me.”

“Will you ever tell me who it is?”

“Fine. It’s Trent Gregory.”

“Jesus. For some reason, this doesn’t surprise me. You should definitely marry him.”

Again, another Team Trent member. Was glad to be getting away and laying on a beach (for free) for a few days – again. That seems to be the trend lately – me running away from the big issues. But hey, you only live once right?

The Rules

“I don’t get it. Look at this guy. I literally just got off the phone with him as I walked in…look at what he wrote,” I said, showing my phone to Lizzy.

“Ew!” she said.

“Let me see,” said Paul. “Wait…so you just talked to him on the phone and he wrote ‘I’m hard’ after you got off the phone?”

“Yes. And then wanted to call me back immediately.”

“He was probably going to jerk off to your voice,” Paul said.

“Ew!” Lizzy said, slapping Paul’s arm.

We had met up last night for some drinks at Jimmy F.’s and to watch the soccer game. Since the studio was dark, we decided to get a little crazy – but not too crazy since we were both kind of still recovering from our night with Pitbull.

“Yea, I don’t know. I went into this whole thing with him about how a lot of the guys on OK Cupid ask if I’m DTF or anything sex-related, and I just ignore them. And then he launches into what kind of porn do I like? And how many times do I get myself off during the week. Just, yuck. I think I’m going to give up on the online dating thing for a while. I can’t handle it.”

“You can’t give up! Look at me and Paul!” Lizzy said, hugging him.

“I just don’t understand it. I mean, you read my profile. Do I look like a slut-bag or something?” I asked.

“No, definitely not a slut-bag. You do look like you’re DTF though,” Paul said, laughing.

“Ugh. Who isn’t DTF? Just don’t ask me that right off the bat. I won’t be DTF just out of principle.”

“Well, you don’t need to fuck anything anyway, you have Trent,” Lizzy said.

“Oh yea. Scandalous!” Paul said. “How is Mr. Gregory?”

“He’s great. Are you Team Trent too?” I asked him.

“I’m Team Whatever Makes You Happy and Gets You Laid!” he said.

“Awww. Thanks Paul!”

“I think we should publish a book,” Lizzy said, randomly.

“About?” I asked.

“The Rules of Online Dating,” she said.

“I LOVE it!”

“Rule 1 – don’t be a dick-bag,” she said.

“Rule 2 – don’t be a dick-bag,” I said, laughing.

“Rule 3 – don’t shit your pants on the first date,” Paul said.

“You told him!” I said, looking at Lizzy.

“Yea, sorry. It was really funny.”

“That it was.”

After a few more drinks and shots, we actually had a good list we put in our phones. Perhaps this is my next pitch to Jimmy? Eh, one thing at a time right? We did have a lot of meetings planned this week about the series. We still needed to cast the main characters, plus we needed to find some space to film! There’s been talk that we may even need to look at places in Los Angeles! I don’t know how I feel about that one.

Anyway, toward the end of the night we all sort of got a little crazy when Paul dared Lizzy and I to kiss, when the song “I Kissed A Girl” came on.

“You guys need to kiss,” Paul said.

“OK Pitbull. Stop daring us to do shit,” Lizzy said.

“I’m serious, do it. Here, I’ll kiss you first, then you kiss her,” Paul said, kissing Lizzy.

“Aww. Fuck it,” she said, leaning in and kissing me.

“You do taste like cherry chapstick!” I said, laughing.

“OK, let’s all go back to our place!” Paul said.

“NO!” Lizzy and I said in unison.

“Hey, it was worth a shot!” he said, laughing.

***

“Do you still view me as cool Jimmy? Or as “Jimmy Fallon The Tonight Show host?” Jimmy said, during our late lunch meeting today.

“Um. Cool Jimmy, of course. You haven’t changed one bit to me. Why?” I said, taking a big bite of my ‘hangover’ bagel.

“I don’t know. Sometimes when some people come on the show, they treat me differently. Like I’m a big to-do,” he said.

“Well, you are! But, that’s just your title. You are still that down-to-earth – guy-who-always-giggles-during-sketches – guy.”

He laughed. “Thanks! So, I think Aubrey is in for the lead. Thoughts?”

“Oh my God! Really? That would be fantastic!”

“Great, I’ll have the casting department schedule a reading, just to be sure, but I think you’re right. She’s it,” he said.

This was getting real. Aubrey Plaza! Channing Tatum! With Jimmy as executive producer! It was so surreal. Trent was right when he said I was leading quite the life. Now, if only I could get my love life in order. But to be honest, with all this stuff going on, maybe I just don’t have time for dating…which is why my relationship with Trent is perfect!

Now – here are those rules we discussed, in no particular order:
-Don’t discuss sex – in any way, shape or form – until at least the third or fourth date  when I might actually consider having sex with you. (Date means actual meeting – phone or text dates don’t count)
-Don’t fall asleep during a date or phone call.
-Make sure you aren’t sick during said date (or on any drugs).
-Don’t lie about your height – the jig is up when we meet.
-For that matter, just don’t lie.
-Post current pictures (no, that one of you in Cancun in 2009 doesn’t count as current).
-Don’t post kids in photos – we just assume you have a baby mama even if you don’t.
-Don’t post animals in your photos to appear cute and then ask questions such as ‘DTF?’ or ‘Do you like your asshole licked?’
-Don’t compliment me when all you’ve had is two phone conversations with me. I’m not adorable, I’m just talking on the phone. You don’t know me, it’s weird.
-While we’re at it, you can compliment my photos – but don’t go on and on about how hot I am. Again, you don’t know me.
-Don’t be passive-aggressive. Just because I say I’m busy, doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk or hang out with you. Sometimes I am THAT busy.
-Shirtless photos and selfies – Just NO.

I’m sure during more drunken nights and late nights at the office we’ll come up with more. But I’m thinking a book a la Jimmy’s Thank You notes could work! Ugh…again, one thing at a time Penny. One thing at a time!

Mr. 305

Oh man. It’s true what they say about Mr. 305. Dude can par-tay! Let me backtrack.

Lizzy and I spent Thursday morning at the spa getting massages and mani/pedis. And I’m glad we did, because the afternoon was crazy busy taping the giant Duff beer pong segment and then the show. After we wrapped, Pitbull insisted on taking out the crew and when I say we partied all night, I’m not exaggerating. Things got a little hazy after Jimmy handed us our fifth shot of something. I do remember walking into our hotel room at 5 a.m. though.

“My head hurts,” Lizzy said, after we only slept for a couple hours since we had a flight to catch.

“I’m pretty sure I’m still drunk,” I said, getting up and holding onto the wall. “What the fuck did we do when we got back?”

I surveyed the room. Our dresses and shoes were thrown about. The bags we packed earlier in the day so we could leave today were all tossed about and there was a Dominoes box on the table.

“Ew. Did we eat that?” she said, looking inside. There was one slice left.

“We’re disgusting. OMG. Did I dance on the bar last night?”

“You and me both. Remember Pitbull made us.”

“Fucking Pitbull. He is one sexy motherfucker though,” I said. “Wait….where’s my underwear?”

I looked through where my dress was. My bra was there, but my underwear was missing. And I knew the pair I was wearing wasn’t what I had on the day before…hence the messy suitcase.

“No clue….wait. Oh my God,” she said laughing.

“What?”

“You gave it to the bartender!”

“EWWW. Why?”

“Pitbull dared you.”

“Damn him. I liked that pair too!”

***

“So wait, you gave your underwear to the bartender?” Trent said, as we laid in bed.

Our flight had got in Friday afternoon, but I was really hungover still from the partying. I swear, after I turned 30, my hangovers take all day to cure…sometimes longer. Trent came over today when I was feeling better. My week off from sex was taking its toll on me.

“Yes. I’m disgusting. You can stop talking to me, if you want,” I said, putting my face in my hands.

“You are adorable, you know that?” he said, kissing me lightly.

“Thank you!”

“I met with my lawyer again this week while you were away. I told him I want this over sooner rather than later.”

“Well, I hope for your sake it is. It will be one less stressful thing in your life.”

“And more time to spend with you. Though we do spend a lot of time together.”

“That we do. And it is time well spent,” I said, running my hand lightly over his chest and legs. “Looks like someone is ready for round three.”

I climbed on top of him and pinned his hands over his head.

“OOO. Taking charge, Penny. I like it,” he said, leaning up for a kiss.

After a few minutes of riding him, he took over, flipping me over and pinning my hands above my head as he kissed my breasts and thrust into me again.

“Fuck that feels so good,” I moaned.

“You have no idea. We should never stop fucking,” he groaned and then slowed the pace and ran his hand up my thigh. “Why do you have bruises on your legs?”

“I don’t know! Fucking Pitbull, man!”

“You sure lead an interesting life, Penny.”

That I do. That I do.

Just Having Fun

“Oh my gosh! I’m so scared,” I said, clinging onto a Dr. Seuss character on the Caro-Seuss-el. I was dressed in jeans and a sweater with 6-inch heels and a huge purse.

“Really?” said Pete, one of our poor victims who we lured on Tinder to the park.

And then I started screaming like I was on a roller-coaster. He just looked at me like I was nuts, but then he tried to calm me down, which made me scream even louder – because if I didn’t, I’d just start laughing.

“Is this a joke?” he asked, when the ride finally stopped and I stopped screaming.

“No. That was so scary!” I said.

We were taping a segment for the show. I had dressed like an asshole and was basically the worst amusement park date ever. And surprisingly these guys stuck around for a ride or two. The bit was that I’d freak out on the kids’ rides and then act like nothing on the big coasters, while they freaked out. It was something stupid Lizzy and I came up with back in New York while we were drinking. And it was really funny, but I was sweating like a hooker in church in my genius outfit. Eventually, we did tell the guys they were being taped, for obvious reasons that we’d like to air the segment. They were all good sports about it. And one guy actually gave me his number.

“I”m going to text that guy from earlier today,” I said to Lizzy over drinks after Jimmy Buffett show.

“No! No sex in the champagne room,” she said. We’d been drinking for a while.

“Champagne room? Is that what our hotel room is called now?”

“Yes. Your hoo-ha is closed for business. I’m going to get you a chastity belt,” she said, waving her martini in the air.

“I think that’s a bit much. Besides, I don’t want to have sex with him. Maybe just make out a little bit.”

“NO! Behave yourself. It’s bad enough Trent was mad about Matt, now you want to get him more upset?”

“Oh, now you’re Team Trent? Who’s side are you on?” I said, defensively.

“Yours. His. Both of yours! I don’t know, I’m drunk,” she said, putting her head down on the bar.

“Come on, drunky. We should go. Off to the champagne room!”

***

“Hey you,” Trent said, when I called him after I put Lizzy to bed. “You having fun?”

“Yea! It’s so hot down here and we’re so busy, but we’re managing to have some down time. How’s New York?”

“Hot as well. I have to say, I kind of miss you. Is that bad?”

“No! It’s not bad. I miss you too. Lizzy is keeping me in check for you.”

“Oh yea? How so?”

“She has banned sex from our hotel room and took away  my ‘party hats.'”

“Party hats?” he said, laughing. “Do I even want to know?”

“Condoms.”

He burst out laughing. “You are too funny, Penny, you know that?”

“I try.”

“So, who’s on the show tomorrow?”

“Jeff, that animal guy. It’s going to be a very busy day. But we already taped our in the field pieces that should air in the next two days. OH! I never even told you!” I said, remembering that I never told him about Channing Tatum.

“What?” he said, laughing. He thinks it’s cute when I get excited about things.

“Channing Fucking Tatum is going to be on my series!”

“Really?”

“Fuck yea.”

“Wow. Your dream come true. Congrats!”

“Thanks.”

“So, I’m thinking of all these dirty things I want to do to you when you get back…”

And that’s where the conversation when for a bit.

***

“Here,” Jimmy said, handing me an envelope.

“What is this?” I asked, in between getting pictures and behind the scenes video of the animals.

“It’s a pass for a spa morning for you and Lizzy. You guys go tomorrow morning before crew call at 1pm,” he said.

“Are you serious?” I said, excitedly opening it.

“Yea, you guys deserve it. That Tinder-park date thing was hysterical! It’s going to be a hit.”

“Wow. Lizzy is going to be pumped.”

The rest of the day was a blur, I barely had time to check in with Emily to see how she was doing with her new baby. As much as I was enjoying being away, I couldn’t wait to get back to reality. The time away gave me the space I needed to clear my head. Lizzy was right, I was better off figuring out what I wanted. And right now, I just wanted to have fun with my friends and family. No stress of dating seriously. Just lots and lots of fun.

Totally Forgot

With all the emotional drama last week, and getting ready for Florida, I forgot to mention the best news that happened! I mean, this is right up there with me getting the job with Jimmy and Timberlake coming to my birthday party. Are you ready?

CHANNING TATUM is going to make some guest appearances on my Netflix series. I’m not even kidding! He was on the show last week to promote his fantastically funny 22 Jump Street, and in true Jimmy fashion, he introduced us and mentioned that I have been creating the series. Well! Timberlake move over because Tatum just may be the nicest guy in Hollywood. Not only was he interested, BUT he wanted to read a script. Twenty minutes after he went into his dressing room, he was asking for me because he wants a part! This is HUGE!

And that’s how distracted I’ve been with my emotions. I can’t believe I forgot to mention the Tatum news. Anyway, I calmed down on the plane after my meltdown at the airport. Lizzy was a huge help, putting things into perspective for me. Once we got down there though, it was all work and not really much play time. We were in tons of script meetings and crew meetings. Lizzy and I spent Sunday scouting out locations for our bits at the two parks. Then we spent the rest of the day ‘researching the rides’ and checking Tinder for victims….er…prospective dates to mess with.

And I was really pumped for the big guests he was having on too. First up tonight is J. Lo, fresh off her ‘Tight Pants’ sketch last week. That was huge having her tape that. And later in the week is Pitbull. #yum! There is something very sexy about that man.

***

“How about this guy?” Lizzy said, as we waited in line for the Transformers ride.

“He looks short,” I said, glancing quickly at my phone.

“You know, you need to swipe right at some point in order to get guys to respond,” she said, swiping right on the next three just for the hell of it.

“I guess. Pick the ugly, short ones, it will make for better television anyway,” I said.

“Trent just texted you,” she said.

“Read it.”

“I miss your wet….oh ew…no, here,” she said, handing me back my phone.

I laughed as I responded. I called him when I landed on Saturday and told him about my slip-up with the letters. He talked me down and everything was back to normal with us. We agreed to shelve our growing feelings conversation for another time, when we were both more emotionally stable.

I gave the phone back to Lizzy.

“How about this guy? It says he’s 6-feet and loves Universal. Plus he has dogs in his photos,” she said, sounding hopeful.

“Only if he brings the dogs,” I said, sarcastically. “Honestly, I don’t care. Just as long as they respond. It’s not like I’m really dating them anyway.”

“True. Oh, Jimmy’s calling you,” she said, handing me back the phone again.

“What are you doing?” he said.

“Researching Tinder and rides with Lizzy, why?”

“OK. I’m going to meet you. What ride?”

“Don’t you have work to do?” I said, laughing.

“Yes. But we’re done.”

“OK. We’re on the Transformers line.”

“OK, get off the line and meet me at the exit, they’ll just let us on.”

“Fantastic. See you soon,” I said, hanging up.

“What did he want? Are we in trouble?”

“No!” I said, laughing. “Come on, we’re gonna jump the line with him.”

***

Later on that night, we were drinking at one of the bars on CitiWalk, near where we’d be filming.

“So, how pumped are you that Channing Fucking Tatum is going to be on  your show?” Jimmy said, handing me a shot.

“Jesus, Jimmy. We have to work early in the morning. Another one?” I said.

“Just drink it. We never go out anymore! I miss my drinking buddy, Penny.”

“Yes. Life did get in the way. And yea, I can’t even think about Channing because I might scream like a little girl.”

“Don’t look now, but Indiana Jones is here,” Lizzy said, coming up to us.

“Where?” Jimmy and I said a the same time, looking around.

And there in front of us, was a man dressed in all khaki with a brimmed hat similar to Indy.

“I’m going to take a picture with him, come,” I said to Lizzy.

Jimmy, of course, got his phone out and recorded the whole thing. I’m sure it will make it on the show this week.

So far, I’ve managed to leave the pity party in New York, which is fantastic. Keep it up Orlando!

OK, We’re Doing This

“Did you have fun with your friend Matt?” Trent asked over dinner last night.

He had wanted to take me out before I ‘whored it up’ in Orlando, is how he put it. I assured him that would not be happening, since Lizzy was forbidding it.

“I did. It was great to catch up. Plus, he’s going to consult with the writers on the show.”

“Oh really? How do you know him again?” he asked.

I knew he was prying. And since we told each other everything, I just said it.

“I’ve known him since college. We were fuck buddies for a while. Then we each had relationships, but every now and then, when we’re both single, we catch up and…you know.”

“Ah. So, I’m not your only friends with benefits?” he said, raising his eyebrow.

“No. Is that a problem?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” I asked. I wasn’t annoyed, I was just confused.

“I don’t know. I’m very confused by us,” he said.

OK, we were going to do this….hours before I got on a plane to go down to Florida for a week. Where I knew damn well I was going to miss him and where we’d probably text and call each other a million times. But we wouldn’t tell each other we’d miss each other because we were both denying the growing feelings we were having for each other.

“Ugh. Trent. This isn’t supposed to be messy. No feelings, remember?” I said, completely in denial myself. I just didn’t want to get hurt anymore. My heart was most definitely not healed yet from Tony.

“I know. I can’t help it. You have this power over me. It’s like I can’t get enough of you.”

“Right, so how’s that divorce going?” I said. It was a low blow. But I had to do something to bring the conversation back to reality. He looked at me. He knew I was right.

“Trent. Look, you know I like you a lot. And you know damn well, if we both weren’t so fucked up right now, we’d be together. So, let’s just take this for what it is. We don’t know what the future will hold. One day at a time,” I said, kissing him softly.

“You’re right. You’re always right. You always bring me back down and try to get my head straight,” he said smiling. “You’re amazing Penny. Now, let’s get the hell out of here, so I can make you miss me while you’re gone.”

“That won’t be a problem,” I said, smiling back.

***

As I was rushing around my apartment the next morning, making sure I didn’t forget anything, I knocked over the shoebox of letters from Tony. Just one won’t hurt, I thought. I knew it was a lie, but I did have an hour before the cab was getting me for the airport. However, after I read the first, where he apologized over and over and told me he still loved me and couldn’t stop thinking about me, I couldn’t stop. I had opened Pandora’s Box. Each letter, he quoted either a sappy love song or poem, and apologized.

I don’t even know how I got through all 30 of them. But I did. By the time I got to the airport to meet Lizzy, I was a wreck.

“What the hell happened to you?” she said, coming over to help me with my bags.

“I need a drink,” I said, pulling out my ticket and heading to the security checkpoint.

***

“You read every single one?” she said, after I told her what I did. “Why would you do that hours before we go down to Florida?”

“Because I’m an emotional cutter. Plus, I was all confused about Trent. I thought, why not be even more sad.”

“You’re crazy. What happened with Trent?” she said.

“You don’t want to know what was in the letters?”

“No. Penny, Tony doesn’t know what he wants. You’re an amazing person and if he can’t see that, or tell you to your face, then you deserve better.”

“But…but I told him I don’t want to talk to him anymore.”

“If he loved you and wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t care. And he wouldn’t have broken up with you in the first place. Now, Trent, what’s going on with him?”

“Nothing. It’s the same. We’re still just friends with benefits. Except now we both care about each other….in the way you’re not supposed to care about a friend with benefits.”

“And you two are only just realizing this now?”

“What do you mean?”

“OK, we’re doing this aren’t we? Penny, the guy is clearly in love with you.”

“NO! He most definitely IS NOT. In like, maybe. In lust, definitely. Not love.”

“OK, but when you guys get married in a few years, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“That is alcohol talking. You are crazy. I need to get out of my head! Can we please get rid of the ‘no sex rule’ in Florida?”

“No. Maybe a week of no sex will clear your head. Stop thinking with your hoo-ha,” she said. “In fact, give me all your ‘party hats’ that I know you stashed away in your purse.” And she held out her hand, as I gave her the few condoms I tossed in my bag.

And then we both burst out laughing. We were nuts. And she was right. A week away from the non-sense that my life was becoming would do me good.

 

Slut Like You

“I’m not a slut, I just love love,” ~Slut Like You, P!nk

“You’ll have to excuse me, I’m pretty tired. I’m on heavy medication for this surgery I had two weeks ago,” said Narcolepsy Guy.

“Um. OK,” I said. I was on yet another date from Match. Luckily this one was just for a drink and then I was off to see Matt for a late dinner and some fun.

“So, what do you do at the Tonight Show? That sounds like a fun…” and BOOM, he passed out on the bar. I’m not kidding. Out cold.

“Is he alright?” said the bartender.

“I’m fine. Sorry, sorry, ” NG said. “I go in and out with these meds.”

“Hey, listen. Maybe we should re-schedule or something. When you’re not on your meds?” I said, putting a $20 on the bar.

“Oh I got this,” he said, his head bobbing again.

“No, it’s fine. Let’s go get you a cab,” I said.

***

“You’re kidding right?” Matt said, almost spitting out his beer. “Why on earth are you on those sites?”

“Because, where else am I supposed to meet someone? I’ve met my last few boyfriends in random places. Why not online dating?”

“Because you’re better than that!” he said.

“That’s not true. Lots of people meet their husbands and wives online. My friend Lizzy at work met her fiance on there.”

“I guess. I don’t know. You just don’t strike me as someone who does well with online dating. You always like to be friends first.”

“EXACTLY! Finally, someone gets it. I’ve been telling people this since Tony and I broke up. But, I have to try, Matt, you know? I can’t just sit at home and wait for Prince Charming to come fix my pipes or something.”

“Well, what about that Trent guy you were telling me about?”

“We’re just fuck buddies.”

“Well, look at you, you little slut.”

“A slut like you!”

“Touche. Yea, but you seem into him. Are you sure you just can’t say the L word to him?”

“It’s definitely not that like. Plus, I won’t be just giving out the L word to any random dude, regardless of if I sleep with them or not. You saw how hard it was for me to say it to Tony and look where that ended up.”

“So, tell me what happened again?” he said, getting the check.

“Ugh,” I said, sighing. “Long story short, he wasn’t that into me.”

“You’re really going with that?” he said, raising his eyebrows.

“What else am I supposed to go with? One minute we’re in love and living together, the next he’s flipping out over Valentine’s Day and me working too much. And then within three months he’s dating someone else, showing her off to all his friends and co-workers at the gym. Of course, he wasn’t into me. I mean, I get it. It happens. We move on…”

“You’re not moved on,” he said, as we got up. “So, you’re place or mine?”

“Yours, it’s closer.”

***

“God, I’ve missed you, Penny,” Matt said, as he buried himself into me and kissed my neck.

“Oh, I know! You know me so well,” I said, moving my hips in rhythm with his.

“If you keep moving like that, you’re going to make me cum. And I know you want this to be a little bit longer,” he said, moaning.

“Fine, let me get on top,” I said, switching positions.

“Oh God,” he said, as I moved up and down on top of him. “I think this is worse.”

“Well, what do you want me to do?” I said, laughing. “I’m not just going to lay here…”

And with that, he picked me up and pushed me against the wall with a jolt.

“Ow,” I said.

“You deserved it. Now, be quiet and fuck me like you mean it,” he said, as he thrust into me.

***

“I think you got some new moves,” Matt said, as we cuddled in his bed.

“Please, it’s just been so long you forgot.”

“True, you did turn me down last time because of Tony. And you looked so fucking hot,” he said, moving his fingers ever so lightly up and down my legs. “And you lost weight.”

“Yea, it’s called the breakup diet.”

“You did the same thing after Scott, too. You need to eat woman,” he said, laughing.

“I do! I just get sad sometimes.”

“You’re a good person Penny Redstar. Just do you for a while. Fuck whoever you want. Go out whenever you want. And cry when you want. Plus, I’m so excited for your show! We didn’t even talk about that.”

“I know! You have to be a writer on it! Will you please?” I said.

“Hmmm. Mixing business with pleasure, I don’t know,” he said, nuzzling my neck. “What will your new friend think?”

“Nothing. We’re all big sluts. We all just love love,” I said, kissing him. “You know, he and I fuck like three-four times when we’re together. You up for another round?”

“Well, I can’t have another guy out-fuck me. Challenge accepted,” he said, eagerly.

Welcome

“Welcome to the world Jayden Casey! 7 pounds, 8 oz; Born at 7:30am. Mom and baby are doing great!”

That was the text that woke me up yesterday from Jessie, Emily’s husband, accompanied by a picture of a beautiful baby boy and my ‘nephew!’ I was so happy that she had her baby before I left for Florida, because I wanted to shower her with gifts at the hospital and hold her little man when he was just a day old. Luckily, this morning there were no auditions, so I could head over to visit with her a little bit before work.

“He is just so precious,” I said, holding him close as his tiny hand closed around my finger.

“Yea now. He was a little beast though yesterday,” Emily said.

“Oh my God. You had like the easiest birth ever. You were in labor for what? Like four hours?”

“Whatever. You push a baby out of your coot and then come talk to me.”

“But look at him! He was worth it,” I said, holding him up just as he smiled a little.

“You’re an idiot. Be normal please?” she said. “I’m tired of everyone cooing at him.”

“Fine. I’ll be normal. Did you poop?”

“Ew.”

“Well, did you?”

“You’re disgusting. And I don’t know,” she said, laughing. “They gave me the epidural too late, so I couldn’t even feel my legs.”

“Wow. Yea, I can’t wait until I have babies.”

“You can just borrow Jayden.”

“Fine with me.”

“Hey! And then you can marry Trent.”

“Huh?”

“Well, you said he doesn’t want any more  kids, so if you just borrow Jayden, then you can marry him.”

“It’s not like that with him.”

“Is that why you spent all day having sex with him on Saturday?” she said.

“Dammit, Mandy. I don’t know. We just wanted some alone time or whatever. Just leave me alone. Let’s talk more about Jayden. Today is his day.”

***

“So, this is the agenda for the shows, as well as the extra segments we’re taping at the parks,” Miriam said. “You guys already submitted your scripts right?”

I looked at the list and saw that, yes, in fact, Lizzy and my scripts were in there. We were basically going to the parks, finding random guys and make them go on ‘dates’ with us – which were really just the rides. And we were going to act like fools. Our usual antics really. Plus, we were going to Tinder dudes and see what poor schmucks  we could find and what stupid shit they were going to do. In true Jimmy fashion, he immediately approved all our ideas.

“I gave you the flight and hotel information already, right?” Miriam asked.

“Yes. Thanks. It’s a shame you can’t come,” I said. And I actually meant that. It would have been fun to spend time with Miriam outside of the office. We’ve had the occasional drink at work parties, but never anything too crazy.

“I know. But my husband’s birthday is this weekend, so I promised him we’d do something. But I’ll still touch base with you guys while you’re down there and be in the office to post stuff when it’s ready.”

***

“This is going to be so much fun!” Lizzy said after our meeting with Miriam.

“Yea. Seriously. It looks like we’ll be busy, but have the nights to par-tay!”

“You’re an idiot,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Besides, you’re already getting laid, it’s not like you need a one-night stand. Plus, you’re not hooking up in the room with me.”

“True. But can’t I just put a scrunchie on the door or something?”

“No. No sex in Florida.”

“But I’ve never….wait never mind. I already crossed that state off my sex list. Fine. No sex in Florida.”

“So, any luck with Match?”

“No, but some guy messaged me this weekend to see if I was ‘DTF.'”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, look,” I said, showing her my phone.

“Well, are you?”

“You know I am. But when guys ask me that flat-out, it makes me not want to be DTF just out of principle. Have some class, goddammit!”

“Welcome to the world of online dating,” she said.

“More like, welcome to the world of online hookups. No thank you. I’ll stick to my friends with benefits,” I said. Which reminded me, I was meeting Matt at the end of the week. I had to contact him to finalize our plans. Oh, and I had to break the news to Trent that that was happening. We were always honest with each other, so it shouldn’t be an issue. At least I hoped.

The Edge of Glory

“There ain’t no reason you and me should be alone tonight, yeah, baby!
And I got a reason that you’re who should take me home tonight.
I need a man that thinks it’s right when it’s so wrong, tonight, yeah, baby!
Right on the limits where we know we both belong tonight…” ~Edge of Glory, Lady Gaga

I know, I know. I’m quoting Gaga a lot lately. But sometimes her lyrics just speak to me and what I’m feeling at a particular moment in time.

“So, I think we found a few of the characters yesterday,” I said to Trent.

“Really? Anyone famous?” he said, trailing a bunch of kisses on my stomach.

“No, not yet. I think Jimmy wants to wait until after Orlando before we bring them in. It gives them more time to read over the script to see if they really like it or not.”

We were hanging out at his apartment. His son was with his ex for the day on Saturday, and we set aside time to just hang out and do whatever. We chose to spend a majority of that time in bed, though. We had decided we spend a lot of time just hooking up at work and being rushed in our time together, so we picked Saturday as ‘Penny and Trent’s Day of Fun.’ And fun it was. However, we did break our sleepover rule again, since I got to his place late on Friday and just stayed over because he didn’t want me driving home late and then coming back in the morning. Plus, we both just really like morning sex, so there’s that too.

“That’s awesome! I think it’s amazing you are living out your dream. You work for your idol, who is now helping you write and produce your own TV series. I really love a woman with drive and a passion for success,” he said, settling between my legs.

“Again?” I said, laying back to enjoy what would be at least the fourth time and it wasn’t even 1 p.m. yet.

“Are you complaining?” he said, smiling.

“Never.”

We did manage to make dinner reservations and get out of his apartment. And much to our surprise, we were very similar and had a lot in common. We never ran out of things to say to each other. And even when there was silence between us, it was a comfortable silence. In fact,  we were both amazed at how comfortable we were with each other not only in the bedroom, but outside the bedroom. And, he opened the car door for me! I don’t think a man has ever done that for me, so yea. We’re just friends, though.

***

“Are you sure you have to leave?” Trent said, trying to pull me back to bed.

We did it one more time after dinner for the sixth time that day, even though we both thought we’d be too full. I swear, you’d think we were newlyweds with the amount of sex we had in one day.

“Yes. I told Mandy I’d meet her and her friends at Jimmy F’s.”

“It’s 10:30pm! Just stay again.”

“NO! No more sleepovers. You’re going to get attached.”

“It might be too late for that,” he said, just loud enough for me to hear.

“What was that?” I said.

“Nothing,” he said, smiling and coming over to hug me.

“I’ll see you Monday,” I said, walking to the door.

“See ya, kiddo. Now go out there and get some ass,” he said, slapping me on my ass like a football player.

I just rolled my eyes.

***

“So, what did you do today?” Mandy asked, as Al handed us some shots.

“Not much,” I said.

“You look exhausted. What were you doing? Having sex all day?” she said.

I didn’t say anything.

“Oh my God, you were!” she said, accusingly.

“So what? I can’t help it if he’s the best sex I’ve had.”

“The best? Who is this guy anyway?”

“You don’t know him.”

“Obviously. Will we ever get to meet him?” she asked, arching her eyebrow.

“I don’t know. Maybe. It’s complicated.”

“Is it someone famous? Are you fucking Jimmy?”

“God! No! Gross.”

“I thought you loved Jimmy,” said Al, coming to drink with us.

“I do. But not in that way. Especially not now that we’re BFFs.”

“So, who is this guy that kept you in bed all day on a beautiful Saturday?”

“Don’t worry about it. Don’t you want to hear about my show’s progress?” I said, changing the topic.

***

I didn’t know how much longer I could keep up my secret relationship. Well, I mean, it wasn’t a secret, just his identity was. It was more to protect him anyway. Couldn’t have a scandal on our hands, especially once his divorce becomes public. That could get messy. And the one thing that Trent and my friendship wasn’t was messy.